I've been avoiding the scale for whatever reason but! I put on a shirt today that made me look frumpy a few weeks ago and it's not looking too bad! I'm being serious when I say that I put on the shirt and nearly went teary eyed at how horrible it look on me. The fact that I'm able to stroll out of the house with it on it a testament to my hard work. I really should weigh myself soon.

Today was another running day and it wasn't too bad. I'm on Week 4, day 2 of my running program. Next week, I'll have to run for 22 minutes straight so I'm kind of dreading it/trembling in anticipation. I know that there are tons of people who can run that no problem but I've never been able to run nearly that long without pain. It use to be that I'd stop working out once I felt an ounce of discomfort but I'm glad those days are over. There was a guy running next to me the other day. He was kind of big but he ran forever. He was an inspiration, despite his size.

Since my graduation day is approaching, I've been searching around for apartments in my area and I think I found one. I'm a minimalist so it doesn't have to be more than one bedroom but it's been a while since I've lived by myself so I'm a little excited/terrified about it. I'll be able to have better control over my eating and there's a 24 hour fitness center on site. It'll be a few months until the details are finalized since the place isn't technically built yet but I'm looking forward to it. Maybe I'll get a dog. A girlfriend. A homey yet terrific type of life.

Haha.

Tomorrow is the Childish Gambino concert. Please let it be a decent food day.

Yesterday went ok... until the night. Actually, it wasn't even that bad. I was great all day and decent at night compared to my usual night eating. I've decided that I'm going to stick to 4-6-8 and get rid of the 2 and the optional fast for now. This will push away binges and give me more a chance to succeed. So. Tomorrow will be another 600. I'm feeling pretty good about it.

My run yesterday was pretty fantastic. My endurance is getting much better and I feel like I'll be ready for my 5k in no time. Pretty disappointed that I was too late to register for the Color Run coming up in November but I figure that I'll be more than ready for a 10k by then anyway. Have to look at the bright side here!

... and I have to admit that I'm pretty terrified to weigh in, plus I haven't had a proper BM in a while so~ extra fiber it is. I'll probably weigh in this weekend. No problem.

I had a great conversation with a few friends yesterday. I've honestly been acting like a hermit all summer but summer is different after undergrad. It's the time to go out in the sun and the beach and whatever else but it's also the time to work, and read, and run. I don't run with people very well. Either they're slower than me, or I feel like I'm holding them back. Such conflicting feelings.

600//muse

Yesterday went great. 800 calories is pretty easy to stay in but I'm wondering about other days, especially the days that I want to work out. I'm feeling not starving but a little weaker today. I woke up and did half of the P90x plyometric program, eating oatmeal afterwards. It made me think about other days when I plan to work out. I want to keep myself from binging and since work out most days except for Sundays, I'm going to really think this over. Like BDR noted in her last comment, life is constantly changing and I never know what I'm going to do next.

If only life were a little more predictable and more workouts a non-factor in terms of energy. I'm training for a 5k with my brother while he's still at home. He thinks it's just because I want to run this 5k coming up in September with my friend M but it's really because I want to run. I can jog for a little at the moment but running for more than 5 to 10 minutes is pretty much an impossibility. There's an app called 10k Trainer Pro for the iphone that I'm using. I'm running today (week 4!) and I'm hoping the greek yogurt and the banana that I have planned for lunch will spark enough energy for me to finish the run as well as other little workouts that M gave me.

I just saw some facebook pictures of an old high school friend this morning. I always thought she was average build but I realized, as I noted her collarbones and ribcage, that was she thin. Very thin. I was envious. And I decided to use her as my goal. We were always the same height so going for her weight or even lower shouldn't be out of reaching.

Weigh in tomorrow.

new plan

Without meaning to, I took a little vacation this weekend. Eating wasn't measured although I didn't pig out like I usually do when I hang out with people so that was a relief. On Sunday, I wasn't feeling well so I slept all day and didn't eat anything all day. But of course, as soon as I woke up, I ate almost as if to make up for what I didn't eat, which wasn't what I wanted but what can you do?

Plan, of course.

I've always worked well with plans; that's my mo, honestly. So last night, I came up with one. I've always really liked the 2-4-6-8 diet and I think that's the one that I want to stick with. It's always worked well for me and I switched around days for when I needed like. Like for this Friday. I'm going to go to a concert with my brother and I don't want him to see me not eat all day so I modified my plan a bit. Today is an 800 day, tomorrow is 600, Wednesday is 400, and Thursday is fasting. Friday is 800. It's going to be random like that for the next two weeks until my schedule is okay enough for me to stay strictly 2-4-6-8.

As for workouts, I plan to do 2 work outs a day, with a rest day on Sunday. My one work out will be P90x while my 2nd work out will be some kind of gym work out. I've actually had a trainer for the last few months. You'd think that I would've lost weight while seeing her but I only saw her once a week and I told her I wanted to be stronger and not focus on weight. Which, I think, was a mistake.

I've learned my lesson. I'm pretty determined. I'm going to do this.

173.6

I'm so disappointed but then I tell myself I haven't had a BM in a few days and that's probably why I haven't lost much. Then I tell myself I only really had one day of victory and that's why practically nothing was lost. I feel like I failed but strangely enough, this just invigorates me. I refuse to let it push me into a binge because I know that number will be better. 173.6. I'll move past it. I'm running with my brother this morning. That makes me feel better.

Today's planned meals:

• Breakfast: 160 cal oatmeal + 2 tablespoons unsweetened almond milk [163 cals]
• Lunch: 2 hard boiled eggs + 90 cal Special K bar [245 cals]
• Dinner: Healthy Choice [240 cals]

This meal plan shows that I haven't gone grocery shopping in a long time. I plan on going this weekend so I'll have to hold on until then. I'm also going to the movies tonight.. I used to be so over the moon over popcorn. I really was my weakness; I could eat an entire bucket by myself but now... I don't feel so interested. I think I'll be ok. Hopefully.

VICTORY

YES! Tonight was the first night in many many nights where I was able say "no" to night eating. I had dinner at around 6p and that's it. No more food. My brother came by and asked me if I wanted anything from some fast food place and I told him "No". I really feel motivated now... It's funny how one seemingly small thing can give me so much strength. And I know that I won't be tempted to eat anymore after I post this because I'm going to bed right after.

Good night. Here's to tomorrow.

holy shit

I just found out that I can't fit a pair of shorts that I had bought as my "fat shorts" a few weeks ago. Sure, I bought the shorts without actually sizing myself up because of fear of knowing but now I know that I'm heftier than I thought. A big fucking woolly mammoth. Nice, right?

It just makes me want it more. I will be thin.

I have so much to do. This is my last semester of grad school and I’ve procrastinated like grades don’t matter. I’m supposed to be searching for a [better] job but I haven’t done that either. I’ve noticed that life has been pretty easy for me, for the most part. I’ve literally been handed the jobs that I’ve had and I’ve never had to really worry about anything. Now that I have things to really worry about, I find that all I really feel is that I don’t care.

I’m guessing that this is the mind of a spoiled child. I honestly don’t mean to be. 

The one thing I’m focusing on [weight], probably doesn’t matter either but I spend so much time thinking about it. I was going to weigh myself this morning but I couldn’t bring myself to. It was partly due to laziness. I keep my scale in my room, moving it into the tiles of the bathroom whenever I want to weigh myself. If I keep it in the bathroom, everyone uses it, everyone comments about their weight and I can’t handle that.

The other part has to due with the fact that I'm scared to weigh myself.

In unrelated news, I’ve been all 100 episodes of Hey Arnold in two weeks. The show is a little different when you watch it as an adult. So many little references that I missed…

Today is the continuation of my [goals?] to weightloss. Yesterday was both a triumph and a failure. My night eating is almost cured but not quite and I’m going to be forced to do physical labor at work today which will bring my work out time to about [three?] hours. Good day? We’ll see.

I’ve let myself go up to something grotesque. With a few half-hearted attempts, I’ve tried to lose some pounds but an unwillingness to commit to my plans have caused me to balloon. It’s my fault and it was my hands that lifted food into my mouth, shoving it into my mouth to devour.

As of now, I don’t know what I’m going to do, all I know is that I want to lose the weight. I know how I lose the weight before but it seems hard to do it that way now. I’ve been more tempted by food than normal but I know that if I continue on, I’ll become a bloated blimp. That’s a really scary thought! I feel really big now but I know that I could be bigger. I still haven’t bought new clothes to fit my new fat body and I don’t plan to. I kept some of the clothes that I had before I started to think out…

BIG MISTAKE.

Every time I saw those clothes, I kept thinking that I needed to keep them ‘just in case’. Which totally meant that I expect myself to gain all that weight back (which I did). A self fulfilling prophecy.

Well. Now that I’m graduating from grad school and starting my new adult life, I don’t want to start it fat. I’m ~175 pounds. My first goal is to be 160. My ultimate goal is to be 123 pounds. Random number? I was inspired by BBC’s “Where are you on the global fat trail.” The thinnest country on the list was Vietnam and I want to match the average.

That seems really stupid but come on~ I have to aspire to something. I hope this blog will be able to document my weight loss, my new aspirations and life. I want to really connect with this and I hope I’ll be able to do really well.