166

I've been 166 for two days now. My goal of hitting the 150s by next week seems a little daunting but I have to persevere. Okay, so I overslept this morning and I missed my hair appointment and my lunch date with my friend. Fuck. Yeah. Not about the hair appointment but the lunch with my friend. I felt awful last night (appearance-wise) but I did manage to take some progression pictures. This was only my 2nd set but I could see an ever so slight change in myself.

I don't feel brave enough to post any pictures so I'm going to cowards route of just typing about it.

Today's workouts are a 22 minute run and Kenpo X. I completely skipped the Legs & Back workout last night but.... I don't feel terrible about it. It might have led to a slight weight loss this morning but fuck it. I was tired and I felt my blood sugar tumbling so I just skipped it. The falling sugar was also the reason why I overslept. Great. And the reason that happened was completely my fault. Before yesterday, I had it under control so now I get to start again.

And today I found out that I'm expected to go to a beach trip next weekend. It's my last weekend before the new semester starts at my university (where I work) so it'd be nice... if I wasn't so grotesque looking. I bought a one piece bathing suit because I knew I'd be dragged to one eventually but I'm still not comfortable in it (but the swimsuit is hot!). So I have to have to to hit the 150s next week. 159.9, 155, 15-whatever. I just need to be there. And I need to dodge the crazy food I know my friends will be eating.

Dude. Life is rough.

Not only that but I have classes to teach right after the trip! People are going to learn from me!

What is wrong with the world?

everything is a-ok

I'm feeling 100% better than how I was this morning! Low blood sugars man, they're killing me. However! I think I've solved my future blood sugar problems so we'll see how it goes. Low blood sugars mean that I can't workout in the mornings so I definitely have to fix that.

Food today included 160 cal yogurt + fiber supplement & vitamins and lunch was a 155 cal sandwich. Dinner will be a yogurt bar. I'll be 20 calories over today but with my 2 planned workouts... I don't care! I'm in an especially perky mood because I managed to talk the agent to wave my application fee for the apartment as well as a discounted price for the monthly rent. I don't know how I did it. But still... the fact that I'm not sure if I want to live there lingers on...

I'm thinking about life as I know it and it's sad but most of my really good friends live in other towns. I can count one that lives in my town that I really like and there are a few coworkers that I don't mind hanging out with. I think I should attempt to make more friends. Especially since I'll be living here for the next 2-3 years (provided that I don't get fired or get provoked enough to quit). The thing is that I don't usually get lonely. I'm a loner by nature and I don't mind being by myself but my mom is worried because she wants grandchildren (which she won't get from me), and wants me to get married (which I won't).

Allegedly anyway. I wouldn't mind maybe adopting a Chinese baby girl in the next 15 years. I saw a documentary about them and it made me sad.

But alas, I went way off base.

Hopefully I'll be able to finish my unfinished run from yesterday and I'll be able to finish my P90x workout from hell.

Cheers.

168.2

... I expected this and it's less than what I weighed the last time I ranged in the 168's but still. It sucked. I know that it's food weight and it's less than what I expected but still. I thought about adding more fiber than I expected but there's no way that I can. So~ Yeah.

It's a little depressing.

The rest of the day is planned and calculated.

I'll write more later.

Bah.

Cheers.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuu

I feel so fucking big. I didn't just have 500 calories for dinner; I'm going to guesstimate that it was about 800 calories. Which makes my grand total for the day 1100 calories. Approximately.

Alright.

It was my mom's birthday. I guess that makes it a little better. And it was also during my high calorie day so maybe it wasn't that bad. I did get to workout twice today [although both of the workouts were.. lacking...]. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow. No matter what. It's like punishment for eating whatever my eyes decided to glance over.

Ah, whatever.

I'm going to spend the rest of the night on youtube, planning tomorrow's 400 calorie day and hopefully sleep before my 6am workout tomorrow.

But in other news, the leasing agent emailed me today and it seemed like they're interested in offering me a place. I'd be glad if I was sure that's where I wanted to live. And this is reminding me that I need to call these dog people about getting a possible service dog...

... I feel really stupid about it but I'm insanely afraid of living by myself. I've convinced myself that I'm going to kill myself one of these mornings, simply by trying to wake up. Last month, I literally clawed my neck while trying to get out of bed during a hypoglycemic episode [I have the scar to prove it...]. It doesn't happen often but often enough where I'm afraid. I don't want to live with anyone either.

I don't want their food in the apartment. I don't want them wondering why I rarely go out. I don't want them wondering about the kinds of food, measuring equipment, and scales that I keep around the apartment.

I should probably see a therapist.

166.6

I was a little afraid to weight in this morning because I had a few bites of pizza yesterday. I had 245 calories left for dinner so I wasn't really sure how much I consumed but it had to have been less than 245. Really happy that I'm keeping on track. The fact that I did 50 burpees yesterday couldn't have hurt either. Today is an 800 day but I have to be careful. I slept in this morning so my morning workout has been thrown out but I'm hoping that I'll be able to do it some time tonight after my interval run...

... but it's my mom's birthday today. She didn't want cake (since she's trying to lose weight too or doesn't want to gain more weight; I'm not sure which) so I made her this creamy grape dessert. I plan on eating an 80 cal apple this morning, and then sharing around 200 calories of the dessert for lunch. That leaves me 520 calories for dinner. It's going to be sushi, which is a relief. I can eat a roll and a light salad and that'll most likely be enough, probably under.

I'm really trying hard to do better now. I'm meeting up with a friend this weekend, which is a big deal. She had only seen me when I was thin so it'll probably be obvious to her that I've gained weight. You don't understand how much anxiety I'm feeling about this meet up and how many ways I've already come up with to cancel.

We'll just see how it goes. I was hoping to be in the 150s by September but if I'm lucky, I'll be there sooner than later.

Cheers.

blood sugar on the decline

Totally. My blood sugar has been way down lately. In some aspects, this is really good since I've been battling my a1c for the last year (although it was decent during my last appointment). I'm a t1 diabetic in case I've never mentioned it. My readings aren't debilitating but it's making me wonder how much I should tweak my long acting meds and it's making me wonder how much of this is a fluke.

Just in case, I'm carrying an apple with me (80 cal) at all times. I also have "emergency candy" that I always keep in my car. This is sacred candy that I never touch unless I'm feeling awful. I honestly don't want to use it and I'll do everything that I need to handle this.

So for now, I'll play it by ear.

I've been watching my lady coworkers today and I've noticed how many of them have gained lots of weight during the time I've worked here. My one worry about losing weight is that they'll comment on it but I've already come up with an answer for that ("Really? I've started running. I guess my body is just losing the weight I've gained while I was stressed about school"). I already refuse their candy, and their invitations for fattening lunches ("I've already made plans! Sorry, maybe next time."). Some of these ladies are older than me and some of them really want to lose weight, so of course they say something  whenever anyone seems to lose an ounce.

I'll just have to keep it up.

167.8

Yesterday was a 400 cal day and I didn't do any exercise. I also slept the whole day and didn't do anything except go out once to grocery shop and get food for my Ezzie. Today is a 600 day and I'm about to do a morning working, as well as work out this afternoon with my trainer. It's my last week for that. I'm going to miss her but at the same time, I'll be glad to be out of being out of her pressure. I really liked her and I'm glad to have her as a [great] friend but I don't need to be weighed by her once a month. I really hated that.

Nevertheless, here's to being happy about the pound. Here's to tomorrow. And since it's 6:20 in the morning, I have nothing else to say. Cheers.